..

Good One! LOL!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact Change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries And a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and Pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket And places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to Always come up with the exact change in your Pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people Would ask for a Million Dollars or something, But you'll always be as rich as you want for asLong as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or aRolls Royce, the exact money is always there," Says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second Wish was for a tall chick with a big ***** and long Legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Here's one

An Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick as he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this

That is a good one!
* Correction those are good ones !

Three "old gassers" were playing golf,one guy said "it is windy today" another man said "no,it's Thursday" the third man said "so am i,lets go get a beer"!

Wanta Be Flipper of Oldgas placing an item in For Sale Forum;

A pretty blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

Bill, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

"I don't care who you are that's funny right there"

One more.

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.

"Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Duck Hunting in Texas.......

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer�s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, �I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I�m going to retrieve it.�

The old farmer replied, �This is my property, and you are not coming over here.�

The indignant lawyer said, �I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don�t let me get that duck, I�ll sue you and take everything you own.�

The old farmer smiled and said, �Apparently, you don�t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.�

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.�

The farmer replied, �Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.�

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer�s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man�s nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his stomach when the farmer�s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, �OK, you old coot! now, it�s my turn.�

The old farmer smiled and said, �No I give up, you can have the duck.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:..."Didn't feel a thing."

The future of our Country..LOL.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...ce-palming.html

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

I had a hooker walk up to me and purr "I'll do things your wife will never do!"

"Really?", I said, "You'll iron my shirts!"

CHURCH SQUIRRELS

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church , The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says..

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.


The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

The following announcement is true:
The preceding announcement was false.

A true romantic!


Subject: Through The Eyes Of A Man

.

A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".

Why Men Wear Earrings
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men ?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one ?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor`s advice and after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she`d indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question, "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

How do you spot a man in a nudist colony?


It's not very hard.

.

A Loving Grandpa.....

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
year-old grandson.



It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets
in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in
the other aisles.


Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."


Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William,
just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad
says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car.


She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept
saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ........the little $hit's name is
Kevin."

How do you identify the blind guy at the nude beach?

Its not hard.

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go
down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE PUB WITH ME?"

.....
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my F***#*ing shoes on!"

you got a shovel in your back pocket ? ,cuz im digging that *****

why did the bicycle fall over? ..... it was two tired

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

.

"Shovel ready project"

Those Sneaky squirrels! Haha
May our lives glorify God,
Michael

The only cow in a small town in Tennessee stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a super milk cow up in Michigan, for $800.00.

They bought the cow from Michigan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Michigan ?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Michigan ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Michigan ."

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

That's a good ole knee slapper there Dave.

That's god stuff Mick.

.

.

Sue Wong marries Lee Wong,a year later they have a baby,problem--the baby is white.The nurse says to Lee Wong "what will you name your baby?'.Lee Wong says--two Wongs do not make a white.I will name him ---

Sum Ting Wong!!

.

A few questions!

Q1..
In which battle did Napoleon die? *
his last battle

Q2..
Where was the Declaration of Independence
signed? *
at the bottom of the page

Q3..
River Ravi flows in which state? *
liquid

Q4..
What is the main reason for divorce? *
marriage

Q5..
What is the main reason for failure? *
exams

Q6..
What can you never eat for breakfast? *
Lunch & dinner

Q7..
What looks like half an apple? *
The other half

Q8..
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea
what it will become? *
Wet

Q9..
How can a man go eight dayswithout
sleeping ? *
No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10.
How can you lift an elephant with
one hand? *
You will never find an elephant that
has one hand.

Q11.
If you had three apples and four oranges in one
hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand,
what would you have ? *
Very large hands

Q12.
If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it? *
No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13.
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor
without cracking it? *
Any way you want, concrete floors
are very hard to crack.

Spread some laughter, share the cheer Let's
be happy, while we're here !!

OMG,
Kevin has been visiting the Rest Home or Pre-Schooler's, AGAIN!

"YOU NEVER SURPRISE ME" A woman complained one day to her long suffering husband.

Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that can accelerate from 0 to 150 in under 4 seconds, .. And I'd prefer a blue one!" she hinted.

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her ...

He's dead now ... But he died a legend!!!

Scroll down

This morning I was beaten up by a woman.
I was in an elevator when this beautiful, busty woman got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "Would you please press 1?"

I don't remember much after that, I wish women would be more clear on
what they want!

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

That's funny Dave!

A guy sits down at the bar and orders several drinks in rapid succession.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks .

�My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!�

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well,Maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?�


"Yeah he says, But today is the last day.�

If a man and woman from Kentucky get divorced are they still brother and sister? (Sorry Kentuckians it's an Indiana thing)

A testimony to true friendship is...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner
unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend
just sits and listens in. "My hair & makeup are not
done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with
cooking tonight! What did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

My friend's 8 year old daughter told me this simple joke....

Q: What do you call a Fake Noodle?

A: An "Im-Pasta!"

( I made at least a dozen other people laugh today with this one! )

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you?

Fantastic card trick-- a little long, but worth the watch!!

http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/arc...oke-It-Out.html

I'm in!

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife's clothes.

.

CROW MYSTERY


Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to Determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

BAD Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?""

Nancy has a heart attack and is taken to hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience,during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered,Nancy figured that since she's got another 30 or 40 years,she might as well stay in the hospital and have the face-lift,liposuction,breast augmentation and tummy tuck that she had always promised herself.
So she did and she even changed the color of her hair.But tragedy struck some weeks later as Nancy is leaving hospital,she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she left the hospital.
When Nancy arrives in front of God she asks,"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies,"I didn't recognize you."

A blonde hires a contractor to replace some windows in her home. The contractor puts her on a payment plan.

A year goes by, and the contractor has yet to receive a payment. He calls the blonde, and she replys "Sir, when I bought the windows, you told me they would pay for themselves in a year".

A husband thinks his wife may be going deaf...but she thinks he's wrong. So he goes to his Dr. and asks him what he should do.
The Dr. says he should stand about 40ft. from his wife and say something in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn't respond, he should move 10 ft closer and try it. If she still doesn't respond, he should move another 10 ft closer and so on and so on, until she responds.
The next day he's standing near the door and see's his wife in the kitchen....about 40 ft away. In a normal voice he says, "honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves to 30ft and tries again. Still no response. Then he moves to 20ft, then 10ft and still no response. Finally, he walks up next to her and says, "honey, what's for dinner?"........

And she says......

"for the 5th time, It's chicken!"

I like that Bob.

.

LOL

Since my 65 birthday is tomorrow, think I'll us the Hooters joke at birthday dinner, Thanks Cold Pizza (cold as hell out here in DeKalb)

NAVY COOKS

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew in enlisted mess he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I�d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia".
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that�s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, �Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.�

Chuck replied, �Well, then just give me my money back.�

The farmer said, �Can�t do that. I went and spent it already.�

Chuck said, �Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.�

The farmer asked, �What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, �I�m going to raffle him off.�

The farmer said, �You can�t raffle off a dead horse!�

Chuck said, �Sure I can, Watch me. I just won�t tell any body he�s dead.�

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, �What happened with that dead horse?�

Chuck said, �I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2245.�

The farmer said, �Didn�t anyone complain?�

Chuck said, �Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.�

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.


By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."




In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."


In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."


In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."


In Kansas , he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."


In Montana , he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."


In Alabama , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."


In Georgia , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."


In Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."



And in North Dakota he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

I know a couple of those guys.

HOW I LEARNED TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over but I found a knothole to look through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and they all started shouting "14...14...14".

BLONDE AT THE SUPER BOWL

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best because it makes football make sense!


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

An IRS inquiry

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of fine Barbados Rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to -- the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading �50 Shades of Grey�......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

That'll teach her. Good one, Dave...

..

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as...

..."Sinko De Mayo"

.

.

A laugh and a smile to start your day.....


The longer you've been together, the funnier this becomes

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and
forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel...
you know how to fish!"

During his physical, the doctor asked Tom, "the patient",
about his daily activity level
​ . ​
​ He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake
and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”No,” he replied, “I'm just a ***** golfer.”

Sounds like my game Kevin. Snake bit and itchy.

IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME....



"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?" asked the clerk.

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim .Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage ​ ​is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Anderson."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"


Don't laugh, it’s just a matter of time ​.​

Yes,that door has been opened!!

I Feel sorry for the future generation !

The minister's wife

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's
wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all
sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is
sleeping with your wife right now; so, he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder, and says,
"You'd better hurry home. My wife died a year ago......!!!."

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

This is what happens when old people start using technology.

Personal story eh?

Subject: FW: POLICE REPORT


Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't
remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know
exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my truck.

Sergeant:
What kind of truck was it?

Husband:
A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special
ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air
conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which
has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and
"Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special
wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver,
23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power
outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has
custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up. . .
. .

Sergeant:

Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

Some years ago, there was an Engineering Convention in San Francisco .
This was only for people who had an IQ of
140 or higher.

Several of the members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they
sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained
pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling
any, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly this was a job for engineering minds.

The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up
with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, 2 spoons, a straw, and
an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with
their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper
shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper."

But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted them. "Oh,
sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of
both bottles, and switched them.

There was dead silence at the table.

This reminds me of our government.

I wish this site had like buttons

Boy that pretty well sums it up, Kevin.lol

BOB & THE BLONDE:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

He was from Texas and he needed a loan.
So he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,so he handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.He produced the title and everything checked out.The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest...He reluctantly agreed & left with the loan.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of the man from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later the man returned & paid the $5,000 as well as the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said,"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely,but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M,a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater,Texas.What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow a mere $5,000 from this New York bank?"
The good 'ole boy replied,"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered
him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice continues to this day..

Lol! LMAO! Kevin, you are such a wealth of knowledge ......GB

saw this today...it's a grammar lesson.

Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.

Nicole--That one sure drew a chuckle from me!!

This isn't really a "funny", but I didn't know where else to put it! I have seen it several times in my life and it touches me every time. I thought I would share it with the rest of you!




Change Your Thinking

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking..


Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation..

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake

Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.


It faced a blank wall..


The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'


Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present .'

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Wow...

Subject: SELF DEFENSE

An acquaintance in California asked me
what I thought he might need in order
to defend his home and family from
home invasion and self defense protection.

I suggested a 9mm,

a couple of clips, and

a box of shells.

​

A few days later he sent me this picture and
asked me how to make it all work.
​ ​

Still holds up as one of the funniest scenes ever..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y13r2nzwdV0

James King passed away earlier this year , great story tale singer

.

Hah!

I love it. Mitch

Hillary Clinton visited an elementary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks, ‘€œAnd what’€™s your name?’€

‘€œKenneth.’€ the boy replied.

‘€œAnd what is your question, Kenneth?’€ asked Senator Clinton.

‘€œI have three questions: First – whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?’€ asked Kenneth.

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary said, ‘€œOkay where were we? Oh, that’€™s right, question time. Who has a question?’€

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

‘€œLarry.’€ the little boy replied.

‘€œAnd what is your question, Larry?’€ asked Senator Clinton.

‘€œI have five questions: First – whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth – why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth – what happened to Kenneth?’€

In the famous words of Larry the Cable Guy---"Now that there is funny"....Dale

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

‘€œLarry.’€ the little boy replied.

‘€œAnd what is your question, Larry?’€ asked Senator Clinton.

‘€œI have five questions: First – whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second – why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third – whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth – why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth – what happened to Kenneth?’€


[/quote]

Why Men don't Vacuum

Getting the Vacuum started!

You got a haircut..

The good, the bad, and the ugly...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXd7UFn_gh8

ROTFLMAO!!!

p.s. does not play on explorer--try chrome

I wish I knew how to post that as a GIF...

I know there is something demented about me saying this, but I just laugh every time I look at this picture!!
The kids got great form!!! LMAO!!!

strike!

Just saw on Twitter (yeah I'm up too late!):

If you ever feel useless, just remember that someone is a lifeguard for the Olympic swimming events...

In the Spirit of the Olympics,I give you this golden gem from a few years ago.

Omg! the 'Olymics!' lol

I like his Irish dialect..that's something this country needs more of.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that
it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my
story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a
car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

That's awesome Keith!

The fireworks display are for El Flamingo members only.
Non Members don't look up.

A friend of mine has 2 tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations, but, he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Brenda. She will be the one in the white dress.

Seen on the web...

Here's a touching story about a young student named TYRONE!

Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone. Can't you learn anything?"

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.

Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

Hint: If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for Hillary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge. One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone, he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His friend turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest, most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 35 years."

From the web...

Tomato Man's shoes are really slowing him down.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (Giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT F@#%ING FUNERAL??"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom-made Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock. "

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE..............

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep *****."

Saw this on a mini poster:

IF A MAN SAYS HE WILL FIX IT, HE WILL
There is no need to remind him every 6 months.

Something to ponder when you are hung over: Why doesn't mustache rhyme with headache?

An elderly lady was hard at work on a puzzle of a red rooster with no success,frustrated she called her neighbor and asked if he would come over to help put the the puzzle together.When he arrived she said "I can not make heads or tails of this thing".Seeing her anxiety he suggested they have a cup of coffee and relax,which they did.After the break he then said "now, lets put all the corn flakes back in the box"!

A lady brought a baby to a Dr's office and stated that she was concerned that the child was not doing well.The Doctor concurred that the child seemed malnourished.He asked,"is the child breast fed or bottle fed?"The lady answered "breast fed".The Doctor suggested that the lady put on a gown and have a breast examination.After app.five minutes of a thorough exam the Doctor said "no wonder the child is not doing well you have no milk".The lady replied "of course not I am the Grand Mother but I am certainly glad I came in!"

The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the Federal Government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS.

Which leaves 17.2 Million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 Million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.


And there you are!



Sitting on your butt!



At your computer, reading jokes!



Nice.

Real nice.

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh quit whining I fell for it, too.

My wife sent me to the doctors. She said "Get some of those pills to enhance our sex life."

So I went.

When I got home I tossed her a bottle of pills and said 'These are for you."

"Me" she said, "What are these?"

"Diet pills."

Travel Plans!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.



Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

So, laugh insanely and love truly

OMG! LOLOLOLOLOLOL Definitely needed that...

..

^^^ too freaking funny! Good one Cold Pizza. ^^^^

BUYING A MERCEDES





A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.


The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.


"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man...


"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that ***** to lower the price..
See you later, Dad, Happy Father's Day."

OPTIMISM IS GOING AFTER MOBY DICK IN A ROWBOAT AND TAKING TARTAR SAUCE WITH YOU!

Really good one.

Two friends come out of the bar after they have drank way to much . They stagger down the street together when they happen on a large german shepherd dog under a tree licking his privates . They both look at this dog at the same time when all of a sudden the one drunk says to the other, boy I sure wish I could do that and then the other drunk replies back well you better pet him first .

Life explained!



On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said “That's kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, “Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Peter and Kevin - OMG lol!

You know you are getting older when you keep putting your shirts on backwards or inside out.

Wish I could say this was a joke, but I seem to be doing just that at least once a month.

And why is it that God decided that not only should your vision get worse over time, but your handwriting declines twice as fast as the vision; so when you write stuff down, there are no reading nor magnifying glasses on earth that can help you decipher what you wrote. Right now it's just a word or two at a time, but just wait...

And don't get me started on writing down phone numbers and later having no clue who the number was for... : o

A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She tells him to get lost.
Not willing to give up,he pleads with her..."C'mon lady,I'm a fun gi."

Subject: Never forget a vowel...

Let me tell you that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!”

Bob and I used to do a radio show Washington D. C. answering gardening questions. One day we were in a discussion with a gentleman who insisted that adding calcium would loosen up compacted clay soils. We worked hard to convince him that the only thing that would work is to break up the soil and mix in organic amendments (leaf compost for example)at a rate of 3 to 4 inches per foot, before planting.

Not to be discouraged, he cheerily said he was going to do what his farmer daddy used to do, and get dynamite to loosen the soil--mentioned he had a friend who had some old dynamite and hung up.

There was some dead air time as Bob and I sat there with our mouths open in disbelief. For weeks after I was checking the newspapers for any reports of someone's neighbor using dynamite to blow up their yard! Mostly I remember how happy he was that he had his own solution to his problem...

Laughter is the best therapy...

When God Sends You Help,

Don't Ask Questions



A woman ran out of one of her prescriptions, so she hurried to the pharmacy to get the medication, but when she got back to her car she found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said: "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car and I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute, the car was open.

She hugged the man and through her tears said: "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied: "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?

A few on Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris never calls the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Waldo was hiding from Chuck Norris.
How many pushups can Chuck Norris Do? All of them.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got one.
Simon does what Chuck Norris Says .....
Chuck Norris won the Tour de France, on a stationary bike...
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
The Boogie Man checks under his bed each night for Chuck Norris before going to sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass, he just dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
Sharks watch Chuck Norris week.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Do you know why infinity goes on forever?...Because it knows Chuck will be waiting for it to end.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight, not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
The big bang was the universe getting out of Chuck's way.
Chuck Norris won an argument with his wife.
Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.
The last time Chuck Norris sneezed, Earth was rotating on the opposite direction.
When Chuck Norris was born he didn't cry, so the doctor slapped him on the bottom. After 2 surgeries and 6 months of rehab, thankfully, the doctor was able to return to work.

So Huskybob

Is there anything Chuck Norris can't do? Wait--I know this one! NO!

An 84-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats
away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring,
and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do
anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual
it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me
what you want me to do in just three words.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100
dollars in her hand --- He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

Just saw this on the web (hope it hasn't been on here before).

ST. PETER: So, tell me a bit about yourself

STEVE MILLER: Well, I'm a picker…

ST. PETER: Ok

STEVE MILLER: I'm a grinner…

ST. PETER: Go on

STEVE MILLER: I'm a lover…

ST. PETER: Anything else?

STEVE MILLER: Uh…

ST. PETER: Yes?

STEVE MILLER: No that's it

Will I Live to see 85?

For all of us of a certain age .. Here's something to think about...

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said ...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a darn?

Saw on the web--probably an oldie...

Dear Algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your X.
She's never coming back, and please don't ask y.

One of the funniest scenes ever,especially the last 5 seconds..